MoWenck

Make Mine With Mayonnaise

Anyone who knows me, or has at least watched me make a sandwich, knows that I am quite fond of mayonnaise. Truth be told: for a quick blood sugar boost I have been known to eat plain mayonnaise straight from the little condiment packets you get with your to-go order from your local fast food joint. So, it should come as a surprise to no one that I dislike (with a passion) the abomination of sandwich spreads and condiments known as Miracle Whip. French cuisine gave the world mayonnaise and US Americans bastardized the recipe to make a more “American” mayonnaise called Miracle Whip. As in, it is a Miracle I do not Whip your ass for feeding me this crap!*

The French were kind enough to give us mayonnaise-no small reward for bailing them out of 2 world wars-and we go and screw it up by creating MW. Tangent ALERT! Tangent ALERT! Here is where the compassionate neo-conservative jackass thinks: “You know, the great thing about the French, they will always be there when they need us.” Suggesting that the French have never done anything for the United States of America and therefore had Miracle Whip coming to them. Of course the neo-con is typically wrong about France. If I remember my history correctly, the French helped George Washington and the Continental Army defeat King George and his imperialistic Red Coat English army by providing strategical and logistical support. Not to mention mercenaries and essential war materials and supplies (I doubt whether the French envisioned the military industrial complex the United States of America would eventually become and the mistakes it would make as solitary world power in the 21st century when they offered their support during the revolution). As If that was not enough consider this: the French also gifted the USA perhaps the greatest symbol of the United States of America: The Statue of Liberty. That is right, Lady Liberty is French. Sure, the French hick maybe ripe, and the French may be the biggest fans of Michael Moore and Woody Allen (try to figure that one out?) but I can hardly hold that against them. Maybe the French secret service did bomb the Rainbow Warrior in Auckland. I do not know. I think the United States probably commits similar acts of terrorism around the world every day (in the name of freedom, for sure). For many years now the French have been the butt of many a USAmerican comedian’s jokes. Why do US Americans always bag on the Frogs? Maybe it is because they were wise enough to get out of Indo-China instead of become embroiled in a military police action known as Vietnam. Whatever the reason I am over it. I cannot speak French (Je ne parle pas Francais) but I still like France. Vive La France! And for the love of god, please make my sandwich with mayonnaise and boycott Miracle Whip!

FOOT NOTE:

* and YES I do think that mayonnaise goes great on chips. You know, French-fries or Victory-fries or whatever the hell you want to call fried potatoes (chips).